I’m in grief writing this. My tears are falling freely on my cheek and I couldn’t fake or even control them. It’s dreadful. A doom closure of what we had. For the past two months that we’re together, I never thought that we would end up tossing awful words. I’m not crying because I want you to stay. These tears represent how hurt I am that I want to smash your face. I’m so damn hurt…drained….upset. I wanna go somewhere where I could just breakdown and cry once and for all. This is not the way it should be. This isn’t what I want. I built my world with you ‘coz I thought you’re different. But you’re just like the rest…WORTHLESS! I’ve been true and roughly gave my all. I did my fair share. But why it should end up like this? It’s so unfair! Would it help if I just let myself drift into tears? Hell yah, no! You don’t deserve my tears. It’s absurd. I maybe so empty and feeling helpless, but I don’t want to hide on your shadows.
“I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes Tonight I wanna cry”
It ain’t easy. I’m so stupid and insane. But with all that I am, I’m not asking you to stay. This is what you want. I’ll never stand in your way ‘coz I wanna be free more than you do. I’ll be okay and I assure you that. If someday our paths would cross, I’ll just deal with it as if I don’t know you at all.
“If you can’t handle my worst, then you don’t deserve my best.”
Sixteen years before a new era in the history of man’s existence, sooner than the great countdown in Time Square hails for the 21st century, the world welcomed a new descendant of David - my nativity. Sanctified by the Most High, I grew up with my family like the other kids. It was a bountiful childhood. Though wasn’t perfect, I was molded to be the person that every family perceives. I lived my younger years the way every child ought to have. Spotted with likely acumens, I was an edge advance from being a typical adolescent. My excellence in school was a proof of my distinction.
As I turned out to be aware of my milieu, I slowly discerned that something didn’t fall on its status quo. People were laughing at me. They’re like “jealous monkeys” who enjoy hurting feelings of others when in fact they are the idiots of the world. But I guess it would be nicer if I’d just let them continue what they think is right than pleasing them because it’s never my cup-of-tea to please somebody. Ignoring all of these I thought would help me forget my anxieties. But the worst came to worst. My “identity” was uncertain. The dilemma was slowly killing me no matter how hard I tried believing that I was on the right track and denied that I was caught on the axis of a “no genetic preference”.
It was an epoch of bias. People of my brows would rather kill themselves than being feasted by the dreadful prejudice of the neighbors’ eyes. It was a doom! Every time I stepped my foot away from my niche, the fear of being typecasted from the “normal world” was like a clone that kept chasing my shadows. And I didn’t have a stomach to take their grudges. It was a total heck of paranoia!
When I started to accept my distinction, I soon uncovered my slot. It was a complicated trek but worthwhile. I finally found my world where I am wholeheartedly fitted. Just like yours, it isn’t perfect but we are living it the best way we can and every memories we have make it an ideal place to be. It is also the venue where I could even celebrate my imperfections inside and out – it’s my comfort zone.
With new things along my way, I met bunch of new friends and help me grasp more of life’s exquisiteness. I learned to divulge what my heart is pushing. But having all these never grow without impediments. After all, it’s part of man’s struggle for survival. You may not always understand some things that are happening to you, but it will help you grow. In my early mature life, I somehow understand what life means. I have my dreams to achieve and wishes to perhaps, turn them into a reality. It’s stupid but I’m taking it as a challenge.
By then, it turned out that something was missing in me. I was craving for someone who could love me without uncertainties. A person whom I could share my utmost triumphs and lend a hand when I’m on my lowest; somebody who could handle my worst and deserves my best; not only sharing victories with me but also my adversities. I have been into fancy relationships and there’s nothing to expect for. I would rather be single than be with someone only because of family and peer pressure. It’s absurd! But as what everybody says, love comes the least you expected. Someone came and responded my plea. He let me realized that it’s still great to love and be loved despite failures from the past. I knew then that someone above answered my prayers as He always does.
This is just but a new start. I know there’s more life could offer. Whatever will it be, I’m just so glad that I’m living the life I wanted. The future might be clear or vague for me, I think I’m ready to face it. It’s nice to know that in spite of countless mishaps, I’m still standing with my feet and continue to play my piece in this game called “LIFE”.
Barcelona 1992 Olympic Flaming was definitely the best one then ever and still can't be transcended...either by originality or spectacular. Beiing's opening was one heck of a milestone from the usual lighting of the olympic flame. It seemed only chinese could understand the show. It was the most expensive and celebrated opening ceremony in Olympic History according to many critics..and it's a pride of the Asian countries.
But still, nothing beats the lighting of the olympic cauldron at barcelona 1992 olympic games.
Change is the only eternal craze in the world. Sometimes, we can never notice how we are changed by people surrounding us. One day, you are just merely sitting on the corner of the bench, and whollah!…the next day, you are the superstar! Isn’t it a great feeling shifting from being a simple dupe to an outburst “stardom” persona? Hypocrisy aside, yeah it is! The limelight is very alluring. And believe me, it’s an ecstasy that you couldn’t resist!
We all live and die. People next to us come and go. Our friends might soon be gone but there are those who keep on track. The truth is, just when you thought you are with you’re most admired pal, the bitter he becomes. Is it really a change? Tell me! Though at the back of my mind says that you just prioritize what’s on your list now, but still it doesn’t convince me. It’s not!
I don’t just trash what we had in the past. In fact, I always treasure those sappy old memories. It was worth recalling. I still even fancy the times of good laughs and bad guffaws. The camaraderie will always leave a print no matter what and I desperately agree. But I’m really bothered why. You said you’re sorry ‘coz you forgot. Damn you! What a silly excuse! It sucks. I couldn’t even figure out that stupid defense. It’s beyond my comprehension.
I made this not to put an end to whatever we have. Still, no doors are closed but just momentarily dead bolted. It’s my way of expressing what my heart is crying out for so long. I was quite for a while but not until now. It may be ruthless but I guess it’s a better way to do. After all, I’m not a fake insect as others thought that I am. My stillness and your silence are obnoxious. This isn’t the way it should be. This ain’t us and it’s hurting me!
If someone asks on the status quo of our friendship, I say it’s vague. I dunno when it will last. Not even a clue. I’m just embracing what fate is bringing me now.
After a while, I've learned the difference of holding a hand and falling in love. Of a hug and the hug that gets tighter. Of kisses that they don't always mean something. Of people that they come and go even if I didn't want them to. I've learned to let go of things even if it hurts me. Life after all is full of surprises.
To the people who made my yesterdays cheerful, Thank you so much for sharing your precious time with me. Whatever happened in the past, my deepest apologies. Maybe I was just too immature to handle obligations.
It's been a pleasure knowing you. I still hope to see you very soon!
